Dear “Santa”,

I’m a nine-month-old baby, and I’m not exactly clear on what this Christmas thing is about. If I’m understanding correctly, I believe that you’re the guy to talk to about presents. The Parents mean well, but I don’t think they have a single clue what I, the discerning baby, would really like to receive.

Sure, the toys are great- especially the crinkly ones- and I’ll never turn down a good bedtime story. But if I’m being honest, they’re not what I’m really after. Enclosed is my list of requests. Have a great holiday.


Nine-Month-Old Baby

1. Every Single Cord In the House

Specifically, my mom’s phone charger that’s almost broken, the extension cord behind the couch, and most definitely the one attached to the powerbar with the switch. Please make them just long enough to be a strangulation risk for maximum fun. Thanks.

2. The Fluff From the Couch Cushion

You see, there’s this teeny-tiny hole in one of the couch cushions. I know it’s there. The Parents know it’s there. They keep flipping it over, but I won’t forget. I love that fluff. I need that fluff. Please feel free to just fill my entire stocking with the couch fluff.

3. Someone’s Keychain

I mean, does it get any better than keys? I’d love a set with as many keys, car fobs, and accessories as possible. Also, please do not insult me with cheap plastic imitations. Only genuine jagged metal will do.

4. The Entire Cat

Oh, the elusive cat. She’s so fast. The only time I’ve ever laid hands on her is with the Parents there, coaxing me to “be gentle”. I’d love if you could just hold her down for me so I could get a couple good fistfuls of fur, and maybe poke her a bit?

5. The Toilet Paper Roll

I don’t know why they keep taking me away from this thing. It’s clearly meant to be played with and repeatedly unrolled. I’d love one for myself so that no one can stop me from eating as many tiny pieces of toilet paper as I’d like.

Thanks Santa. I think I’m going to like this whole “Christmas” thing.